The simple complicated things.

3 Mar 2013

Day ? - Some say it’s love but I just say it’s the JBrands. #inmyjbrand #tylerchallenge @gq @jbrandjeans #gq #jbrandjeans #gay #gaysian #love @dannyha

Day ? - Some say it’s love but I just say it’s the JBrands. #inmyjbrand #tylerchallenge @gq @jbrandjeans #gq #jbrandjeans #gay #gaysian #love @dannyha

18 Jan 2013

I am 26

26 years and 1 day ago, I was born. 

Days till my birthday and today, people kept asking me, “what are you doing?” My general answer was, “nothing.” For most people, this day is about stuffing your face and drinking and being surrounded by people you love and just have the best day of your life.  I mean, it is the day you were born; what’s not to celebrate such an awesome person?

I went on a date not too long ago, and we discussed about life. One of the topics was birthdays.  He told me that on his birthday, he likes to be alone, travel alone, be secluded; even hinting that he wanted to go somewhere desert like this year. I thought it was bizarre at first until he told me the reasoning behind it. Not that his reasoning was anything elaborate; life however, has taught us that on birthdays, be surrounded by people you love and celebrate your life.  The thought behind a secluded birthday was to think about life: reflect, evaluate, and plan.  Isn’t that what New Years is for?

I understood and accepted his point of view but still thought it weird.  That is…until today.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for all the invitations to want to celebrate and all the willingness to make my day wonderful; but I kinda just wanted to be alone. I had half ass planned things here and there up until the day of my bday. Lo and behold, as the day came closer or the morning of, things failed, plans were dropped, mood was lowered, etc etc.  And no, I was not throwing myself a pity party.  In my attempts to cheer myself up and make my own day special, I just thought about life and reflect on things.

-Where I’m going with my life?
-How would I rate my life currently on a scale 1-10?
-Rate my overall happiness on a scale 1-10
-Am I happy with the people in my life?
-I’m single, am I okay with that? Am I ready for a relationship? And is anyone out there ready to handle me? And if no one is handling this, should I fix something I am doing?
 -Am I making the most of my life?

…so on and so on.

Though happy with life overall, answering some of those questions did make a tad sad and especially not want to be around people.  So I found myself doing my own reflection just like my date had said he did.  

Anyways, the point is, there is no point. lol. Celebrate your birthday how you choose. Don’t forget to reflect on life. I just wanted to write so I wrote this post. 

and it’s post 1201. 

1 Nov 2012

Direction

It’s really hard in life to tell if you are heading in the right direction. Whether it is just a long road that will eventually get you there, or just a wrong turn. 

I wonder constantly of the life choices and the path I have taken. Whether it is career, love, friends, etc. All those facets of life, will they help take me to where I see myself? Or Are they long drawn out journey to gets me nowhere? or is It just a LONG journey? I wish life was sometimes a little easier or at least give you signs.  

Like with my career - Am I working some dead end job in retail? or will working in retail get me on the in on the career in fashion I’ve always dreamed about but never really  worked towards?

Or with love - Is the dating style I have chosen the right way to go about it? Or should I “not look for it” and it will eventually come? But if I did go about the “not look for it” route, what if I never find it? I know at least with the dating style I have chosen for my life style, that I am actually trying. So instead of sitting around with my hoping, wishing and praying, I am taking action with my love life.

And friends. There are the good ones, the bad ones, the ones you keep on the side, the ones you put in front, the one that passes out with you, the one that makes you cry, the one that makes you feel helpful, the one/s that you say. “hey, my life wouldn’t be where it was if it wasn’t for you.” If only people had “stop lights” floating above there head, giving me the Okay to move forward, or the BACK THE FUCK UP, STOP, STAY AWAY! or even the yellow, tread lightly, but be careful gurl.

Now only if I could apply my dating approach to my career approach. or even better, if I had a stoplight for everything in my life. Telling me when it’s okay to go, to tread lightly or even to stop. 

I’m not sure where this post came from, but I felt like it needed to come out, Thanks for reading <3

28 Oct 2012

Why I love them. My gay bffs. #love #gay #bff #titties #nipple

Why I love them. My gay bffs. #love #gay #bff #titties #nipple

30 Aug 2012

360 much?

When I had my moment of weakness and I thought my life was going to shits…it just takes a few days for it to recover.  Has it? of course it has.  I wonder sometimes if I should just take a day or two before I write down what I’m feeling.  Would you rather me write about my everyday(whether bad or good) or not write as often?

Anyways, the update:

  • Career - I got a job at TopMan for Nordstroms.  And today after my first day of work, I got an e-mail for an interview for another job (a PR marketing job). So now, if I get the marketing job, I have to make a career life path choice which I will go into detail if/when it happens. 
  • Love - Though I said I wouldn’t try, I decided to try.  He and I did discuss we like each other and that we hope something comes to fruition.  There are some things I do need to discuss with him/get off my chest, that I didn’t get to do/say this past hang out. Those things however, depending on his answers/response, will help me ultimately decide if he is the right guy for me.
  • Family - I didn’t get a chance/couldn’t bring my self to talk to my mom about what she said/how it affected me.  I guess that must be the Asian me.  I swept it under the rug but now that I got a job, I’m sure it won’t be such an issue.

And that is the update.  <3 Thanks for reading lovers. 

24 Aug 2012

Friday Slump

I just want to say that I don’t want you to think my life is super dramatic and full of sadness and that is the only thing I blog about; but I just want to bring it back to a day of actual blogging and not just pictures. And it probably gives you a better sense of me. I’ll try to write about something happier when it happens.

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Starting with the earliest event…

I had a dream that this one guy I semi know was terrorizing my whole day and everyone I was with.  The next day he is in my house and he was making a ruckus in the bathroom downstairs. And all of a sudden, silence. I break down the door and he hung himself. I panic and take him down to give him CPR. I vividly remember trying to breathe air back into his lungs and me doing so out of breathe of breaking down the door and from sheer panic. I almost get a response, every breathe I gave him, I can feel his eyes twitch as if he was getting feeling back. Finally after a minute, I give up and he is dead.   I start to cry in my dream and that wakes me up in real life at 4am.

It felt like a realistic dream and it took a while to get back to sleep but waking up did put a damper already on my day.  

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Followed by a lack luster workout cause I didn’t eat properly yesterday -_-

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After my shitty workout. I was just hanging out my mom’s room, doing whatever. I was supposed to have an interview today and already told her that there was a major possibility I was not getting that interview today because of certain stupid mistakes I made. So she asked me again cause I haven’t seen her since I found out and her I told her. And then she goes off and start saying, “I should take this away from you and stop doing that and giving you money, etc etc. you just got out and play. Always taking for granted what you have. You should concentrate on finding a job. Etc etc.”

 And it just made me sad and bummed out that she doesn’t think I’m trying. And that I’m taking for granted my life style that I have been given. It just hurts and it sucks to be seen currently as a failure. And I haven’t talked to her since and have been avoiding eye contact with her since she is working from home today.

Happy Friday right?

Luckily for me, I have AMAZING friends who I can hash out anything to.  Even if it is just through text. 

However, half of the time during my day, I was just thinking if I had a bf/significant other; a hug from him would have just brighten up my day is a *snap*

Anyways, the end.  Time to keep moving forward…. and thanks for reading if you got through that all.

21 Aug 2012

Despite what everyone suggested….

I don’t know if I can do it.  It’s not that I’m not gonna try, I personally don’t know if I could wait.  

He is currently a super focused kid, which is great compared to my dating past. Unfortunately, he is TOO focused and I don’t see myself fitting in his life.  Kind of one of  those, “maybe later on in life, we will work out.”  I’m not gonna say I’m needy, or that I need constant attention; but I’m gonna need a tad more than he is currently offering. 

Granted, it’s not like I have boys lined up or anything. I just dont know….just confused on what to do or how to feel.  

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Anyways, I’m getting my life together.  

Health - I’m trying to diet more strictly, workout about everyday(sometimes twice a day), etc etc.  I havent really lost weight, but I feel skinnier, healthier and fitter.  

Career - I got an extension on my unemployment so I have more time to find a better job.  Though, I had my second interview with Topshop for Nordstroms (which I’m pretty sure I got, they just need to do background checks) and I have another interview on Friday for a more CAREER worthy job.  

21 Jun 2012

Day 3-4

As traveling to most of your countries of origin, there are family, family friends, etc etc. In these days, we did a few visits to an assortment of people around Manila. 

This will probably be dry and boring. It’s mostly about my family/some background of them/ things I felt. 

One person who is practically my aunt over here, was once a baby sitter/maid for my youngest uncle/family. She grew up with my family, shared secrets, knows the ins and outs of my dad and his siblings growing up, and we still keep in contact with her. She practically still fills the role as maid when we visit. She is super sweet. Her own family now feels like an extension. When we visited her house, I met her husband and one of her daughters for my first time. I felt bad for only meeting them for my first time though it’s my third time here.  And I know it’s the lifestyle here, it made me sad to see them in the poverish household. Granted, it’s nice to see they are doing well with great smiles when we visit. 

We visited my family’s old neighbor. Unlike in US, people are usually know every household along the block. This one neighbor was the closes to our family. From stories of my family, I’ve always heard her name and I apparently met her when I was younger but dont really remember. She was appointed god mother of my uncle and she still lives in the same house that was once neighbors of my family. My Lola gave her and her family a box of goodies: clothing, vitamins, food, and money; seeing how happy they are almost made me tear. 

Though I didn’t tear, I felt my heart feel truly bittersweet. All these second hand clothing and these little things made them happy. Which made me happy. But to see the dwellings and environment of which they live made me sad. It also made me feel ungrateful/grateful to be living where i do. And complain about the things I complain, just seemed so little. 

We also visited another family member who is straddling the idea of staying in America or the Philippines. My grandma gave them a good talking to and made her sister in law tear up. Which was also heart breaking. I’m not sure why, cause the tears she cried was of a bittersweet realization. That the American dream of living in the states wasn’t all that is cracked up to be and that living in her hometown in Project 2 is where it is supposed to be. She had to let go of the idea of the American dream that her and her husband has fought so hard for; to only live in America to have a hard time getting their feet on the ground and living the good life. 

Anyways, visiting my family in the PI was really nice and made me appreciate life. Where it has taken me. Etc etc. I know people always say that and then a week later complain about the little things again. At least I accept and aknowledge my feelings and thoughts and have this for record. 

8 May 2012

Horoscopes.

I normally don’t follow horoscopes; if it is there, I’ll read them.  Today just felt like I need guidance/if my stars were aligning kind of day.  So I hop onto Yahoo Horoscopes and what do you know, so on point.

May 8, 2012
Capricorn

A difficult situation will improve if you persevere. So keep talking and keep going!

I know I’m probably making it a bigger deal than it really is.  But Monday had me on this emotional ish roller coaster of self/moral/life conflicts which semi-bled into my Tuesday. So like it says, I just gotta persevere through.  Which I did today, and just did me.

Weekly Love (This Week)
Capricorn

Sure, you deserve all sorts of goodness — but early Monday might not be the right time to ask for it! Play it safe until Monday afternoon. From then until Wednesday, you’re in a better position to make plans and requests, and others will be all too glad to help out. On Thursday and Friday, you might momentarily doubt your ability to get things done, but don’t — you just need to persevere and keep your eyes on the proverbial prize (even if it’s that hot date you’ve been hoping for). This weekend, there’s nothing you can’t do. Enjoy your seemingly endless energy.

And as for my weekly love/”love” horoscope, it seems to be right too.  Monday was all sorts of mess to make plans.  And it was much easier today to make a plan. Let’s hope the rest of the week goes as fortold by the stars.  Minus the doubt I’m supposed to have Thursday/Friday.

4 May 2012

“Walk into a date wondering if you’ll like them, don’t walk into a date wondering if they will like you.”
— The Conversation With Amanda De Cadanet
http://www.theconversation.tv/

1 May 2012

Dating and Expectations

In my process of dating, I think I have these ideas of what I want in a guy.  One being a driven individual/successful.  And though as simple as that concept may be, I feel bad to expect such.

Why do I feel bad? Cause I’m not as successful and driven as I want/should be. I feel bad for holding these guys accountable and I’m not where I want to be/know where I want to be.  Not to say that I’m not trying, I do want to be successful and find my passion in life.  I just haven’t found it.  

So is it wrong to want a guy that is driven and successful(whatever that may be to him), even though I haven’t found those things myself?

26 Mar 2012

22 Mar 2012

Life

It just feels like one of those nights. I’m not happy and but I’m not super depressed.

My life has been fun but now that I need to grow up, fun isn’t something I want to do as much without feeling bad. Today, my aunt called a entire family meeting to discuss something.

Though the issue is an issue, it is nice to see my family band together and try to help out. There wasn’t any arguments or objections; just, what are our next steps. And that’s what I love about my family. That we are a legit family, we don’t really argue, non dysfunctional, and nothing but love and support. but it also made me sad that because of where I am in my life, I can’t contribute as much as I should/want to.

And so, after this bittersweet family meeting am I feeling like this? Probably because of loneliness. And it makes me upset that I can’t get over my selfish feelings. And then i get more upset. But with the loneliness, it is more so that I don’t have anyone(in terms of

8 Feb 2012

LIFE UPDATE

I don’t remember the last time I updated you guys on my life.  But when I talk to anyone who hasn’t talked to me in a while or if someone just ask me how life is, I tell them.

I recently graduated, finished my year long internship, turned 25, and came out to my ENTIRE family.

That was my December/January.

My life is pretty good for the most part, I can’t really complain.

Tonight, I’m going to New Orleans with one of my BFFs, my sister and one of her BFFs.  Maybe Disney end of February with undecided still. Maybe Texas in March with my Grandma. Followed by one of my BFF’s Big Gay Birthday Roadtrip down to SoCal with all the gays in the bay. I also have a retreat in March in Sonoma.  That’s my life in an upcoming nutshell.

My love life is not bad, but it’s not good.  I’ve gone on dates here and there. One person I’m actually interested in, who doesn’t seems like anyone else I’ve ever dated. Though I’m unsure how he feels about me.  But only time can tell.

Now that I’m out, it does feel really good.  To not feel like I have to hide such a big part of my life.  Even discussing gay topics with some of my relatives feels nice, cause they actually put forth an effort to care.  My one aunt even emailed about the news of Prop 8 recently, and though I thought she was doing a tad much, it still made my heart smile for her to care so much.

Career wise, I have no clue what I’m doing.  And enjoying life doesn’t really give me inspiration. It makes me lazy.  But after February, I will start buckling down and really search for what the world has to offer me.

Health.  Has been an issue with my family. People whom I never expected has acquired things here and there.  And it freaks me out because, duh, GENETICS.  So now that I’m not working or school,  I have no more excuses.  

But my life is great, and I’m thankful of where life has taken me so far.

22 Dec 2011

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/ being with in the future

So what my ideal boyfriends —-> husband would be like.  

  • A male.
  • Vietnamese but Pilipino would work too.  Asian.
  • 2 years within my age
  • 5’11”
  • Get’s along with my family.  I wouldn’t have to worry about him during my family party.  Travels well with us.  Can roll with the jokes. Flea market, most Sundays.
  • Loves to eat.  Not scared to try new food.  Eats family style with most food.  Not picky.
  • Can/will pick up the bill every so often.
  • Likes video games, board games, especially scattergories.
  • Likes to party/partE.  Knows self control when it comes to it.  Can drive me home on nights I’m too drunk, and I’ll do the same of course.  pretty much, dont be a hot mess.  Only on bdays and special occasions.
  • Gets approval from my BFFs.  And gets along with them.  Good luck.
  • Gets along with my friends in general.  Able to compliment my group of friends.  Hopefully i can do the same in return.
  • Close with their family. 
  • Cooks for me.
  • Surprise me with random gifts, or notes, or meals etc.
  • Able to massage me when I need one.
  • $$$/job/car
  • Stylish
  • We have similar music taste but slightly different.
  • Have a cute nickname for me.
  • Fancy with a sense of frugal
  • Likes to stay home and cuddle.
  • Doesn’t make me wait around
  • Low-maintenance but high when need to be. 
  • Educated. Driven.
  • Compliments my life style

and of course, makes me smile.